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Chapter 9

McClown goes Bonkers

Lord McShredder was beside himself with rage while McClown tried to calm him down.

“Sir, may I bring it to your notice that it was not my fault when your pipe fell into the water?”

McClown cried and had some difficulty to avoid the fender which His Lordship had thrown at him. The captain was standing behind the wheel and shook his head. A few minutes ago milord had been standing at the bow and excitedly given orders how to steer the ship. The captain had simply ignored the orders of such a landlubber. When McClown had asked milord not to disturb the captain just now, McShredder began to accost him. Then the pipe had fallen out of his mouth.

“It’s all your fault, McClown, so get my pipe out of the water!”
“But Sir, perhaps there are monsters!” the butler yammered.
“Bollocks!” the captain laughed. “Nothin’ but wales, dolphins and orcas. An’ now ‘old yer on, gents, we’re mooring.”

The hamsters were taking notice of the things happening on the approaching ship. They stood on their hind-paws and craned their necks. Their whiskers quivered with excitement. They saw two men, a younger and an older one, standing in the water to their hips. The older one tried to thrash the younger one but failed as the younger one fled towards the beach. The ship anchored about 30 metres off-shore and the captain set out a dinghy. He threw the suitcases in. Butler Frido McClown panted when he reached the beach of Sanna Bay, threw himself on the sand exhaustedly and closed his eyes. He was really happy to be back in Scotland. Far, far away he heard the nagging voice of his master and had the idea that milord was quarrelling with the captain about the fare.

“Yer get yer trunks arff the Scillys if yer bilk!” the butler heard the voice of the captain and could not refrain from grinning. The captain certainly was able to cope with His Lordship and…


McClown opened his eyes and very, very slowly turned his head. It took him some moments to understand. Hamsters? But how and wherefrom, why were hamsters at the beach? Very special hamsters, moreover, who should not be here at all. The butler suddenly felt quite giddy. Everything was swimming about him, the sea, the beach, the dunes and some Lordship who was standing beside a dinghy and called his name. Overjoyed, he took up the very first hamster and danced with him along the beach, feeling all cheers. Then he set down the hamster.

“I’ll be back in a minute”, he said and ran to Lord McShredder to help him dragging the dinghy with the suitcases ashore.

“And I will be sick”, Flecki lamented. “I’m feeling right dizzy from all this silly roundabouting!”
“And I’m afraid we’ve got a problem”, Goldi said. “They’re coming back from a holiday or something. They don’t know that their castle is nothing but a deep-level garage.”
“The old lord will skin us, when he discovers that”, Topple whimpered.
“Best thing will be to act the stupid”, Goldi proposed.
“Better still the mayor speaks for us”, Flecki said. “That’s what he’s mayor for.”

On this proposal they happily agreed. Of course Lord McShredder himself would not ask the hamsters, he was much too deaf for that. Moreover he spoke no Hamstish, so that his butler would translate for both sides. In the worst case the butler would be thrashed - and he was quite used to that. Now the hamsters were relieved. It did take milord not long to reach the beach and discover them.

“McClown, there are rats on this beach!” “Sir, with your permission - these are hamsters!”
“For my sake. Well, McClown, see that you get the suitcases and my wheelchair ashore and than I would like to have a cup of tea”,

His Lordship croaked and sat down right between the hamsters. Then he took out his pipe, threw it to the ground and began to search for a lighter.

"Toidi!"2 Goldi shouted and hopped aside so that the pipe did not hit him.

“That calls for revenge”, Dodo grumbled. Goldi nodded, ran into the dunes and tore off some grass. Then he circled His Lordship who was still searching for his lighter and stuffed the wet grass into the pipe. Finally he sat down on the bowl of the pipe and added a bit of hamster-dropping. In the meantime the butler had placed all suitcases onto the wheelchair and carted them ashore. Now he lay down on the sand exhaustedly. His Lordship by now had found his lighter and just wanted to take his pipe when he felt the first drops of rain on his face.

“Sir, we should find some dry place”, his butler proposed and pointed to the sky. “That looks like a thunderstorm.”
“Certainly, McClown. So let me get into my wheelchair and see that we are off.” “Sir, what about the suitcases…”, the butler began, but milord cut him short.
“Fiddlesticks, McClown, you are always lamenting. I’ll help you with the suitcases, of course. One I’ll take on my lap and you take the rest. That can’t be that difficult.”

Angrily the butler stuck 4 suitcases under his arms - two at each side - and carted His Lordship through the deep sand as well as possible.

“Can’t you speed up, McClown? Am I to get wet?”
“Well, Sir”, McClown groaned, almost collapsing under the weight of the luggage and the stress of moving the loaded wheelchair over the sand, “if you could get up for a moment, Sir, I would proceed better.”
“Get up? Me? McClown, you are a lazy dog. You don’t take any pains!”

The hamsters who had listened to this, paused. The butler also paused. His face was red of rage and strain, his eyes grew bigger.

“I think he’s ripe now”, Flecki said. “Let’s look for a cosy spot and watch.”

Then everything went as quick as a flash. Milord’s wheelchair seemed to fly over the deep sand. With all his strength the furious butler wheeled Lord McShredder and his vehicle up the next dune. On top of it he stopped abruptly, and milord sailed through the air with a shrill shriek. Then Frido McClown took a suitcase and hurled it at is master. The first one missed McShredder’s head, but the next hit his shoulder. Screaming and without a trace of noble behaviour Lord McShredder ran for his life.

“I do take pains, Sir”, Frido McClown yelled. “Don’t you see how I take pains to hit your silly bonce?!” And he ran after His Lordship. The hamsters at the same time took big pains to follow. They were quite in raptures as they saw how easily the butler threw the heave luggage at his master.

“Hurry up to the dune, we’ll have a better view there”, Flecki shouted, while McShredder in his misery hid in the phone box on the parking lot.

“Come out and be a man!” the butler bawled and continued to hurtle the suitcases at the phone box. It swayed dangerously, while McShedder braced himself against it with an anxious face and kept the door shut. “Come out, you coward”, McClown roared, but milord had no mind to do so..

The hamsters enjoyed seeing all this from the dune. They watched the butler sitting down on a trunk and gasping for breath.

“Can’t we help that kind man?” Tuffy asked.
“Good idea”, Goldi said. “This butler after all has given us something to eat often enough. But how may we help?”
“We take the car…” The hamsters looked at their grinning mayor and feared that now he had gone completely mad.
“The car - of course”, Tuffy cried. “The enlightened one is right. Look, the car is standing there!”

Now also the other hamsters understood: the wheelchair! With a loud “Yarooh!” t3 hey all climbed onto the wheelchair and swung to and fro. Slowy the chair tilted. Just now Lord McShredder used the truce to light his pipe with trembling hands. He thought a little sedation would do him well. Hastily he sucked at his pipe, watching his butler Frido McClown collecting the trunks to start a new attack against him and the phone box. Then he saw something else. Something which alarmed him even more. As if steered by an invisible hand his wheelchair came darting down the dune - right towards his phone box! The butler watched it with a broad grin, knowing what was to follow. The merry squeaking of the hamsters by now had changed to panic when they approached the phone box plus McShredder.

“Jump off, jump off!” chief Botchy yelled and the hamsters one after the other hopped down from the racing wheelchair and landed in the soft sand. Only the mayor remained sitting on the upholstered seat and bawled a song about beach and sea. In the meantime Lord McShredder had a really first rate problem: his stomach went mad and his head was spinning. Thousands of trunks seemed to fly around his head and his knees felt like jelly.

Had his tobacco gone bad? He spit out the pipe, supported himself with both hands at the glass pane of the phone box and watched the approach of the racing wheelchair. Then two things happened at the same time. First His Lordship vomited so that green puke was running down the glass door. Then the wheelchair crashed into the phone box, the mayor banged against the outside of the door. Slowly he slid down at the glass panel while inside the box McShredder vomited again and again. Finally the whole phone box collapsed. Under the cheers of the hamsters Frido McClown continued his bombardment with the suitcases. The mayor had fled to the safety of the wheelchair. After his crash against the door his silly grin had vanished and he whimpered softly. When the butler to the hamsters’ delight had launched a very precise hit on the vomiting lord’s neck, McShredder shouted with his last breath:

“Have mercy, McClown, have mercy!” He was sick again. “You can put all the luggage into the wheelchair, I will walk!”
“I am glad, Sir, that this is clarified”, the butler replied calmly and walked over to the destroyed phone box.
He lifted the door handle with the remains of the door and said: “After you, Sir.”

1 (Hamstish: Hallo)

2 (Hamstish: Idiot)

3 (Hamstish: Hooray)